So, I lunched with mother this afternoon. She again tried to tell me that my “experimenting” phase had gone on too long. I told her “Mother, a person has to relieve herself of her urges or she’ll get sick.” Mother blushed. She hasn’t forgotten that time in Harlem either. The time I went down there with the girls and the “girls” and caught her with a hot black girl in a suit that nearly popped over her chest. What would anyone want with breasts that big?

I, as always, am the height of fashion. I got my hair rebobbed last week, and my skirts shortened to a new height above my knee. Mother doesn’t approve, as she never approves of me. But after that night in Harlem when quoted those exact words of Freud at me she has to support me or I’ll let daddy know about all the times I’ve seen her there since and who she was with.

Anyway, she keeps telling me it’s time to get married and I keep telling her that I have to get over all my repressed libidic urges first. Most of the men on the block agree with mother, so I make a point to dance with them at the clubs sometimes. But there’s nothing that beats dancing with a girl. I honestly don’t know why women think they need men. Lesbian sex is so much more fun. It’s not like I haven’t tried sex with a man, but when Bobby went off to the Great War and I was sixteen I still wanted to do things. That’s when I met Gina. She was gorgeous.

And I must remember not to let mother hear the word “lesbian” come out of me. If she thought I was a lesbian she’d arrange a marriage for me immediately. I swear, she’s positively Victorian sometimes.

Anyway, a new boy moved in two doors down with Ryan. Very pretty, but Ryan always did have lovely taste in men. I like Ryan. He never tries to date me. He understands. Well, not the not wanting a man, but the not wanting to be pushed into straight relationships. The new boy is called Danny. He’s new to the Village and his parents don’t know he’s gay. He’s just as rich as I am and his parents know mine.

Wonderful fun.

August 31, 1929

I’ve been with Sylvia for a whole month now! Everyone’s wondering if I’m serious. I’ve never been with a woman this long before. Some people are starting to say that I’m not just experimenting with bisexuality, that I’m really a lesbian. And I tell them “of course I’m a lesbian, just don’t let it out.” A lot of the girls are angry that I won’t identify myself with them, and that group Heterodoxy that meets down the street keeps trying to get me to join it, but saying I’m a lesbian would just get me in too much trouble. I mean, the boys are still trying to jump me whenever I get a little tipsy and let them dance with me, and my mother keeps saying how she wants grandchildren already.

Of course I just tell mother “Mother! What is Annie-darling? Isn’t she your granddaughter? And what about Mary-Ann’s Timmy?” But mother won’t speak to Charlie since he married without her consent and Mary-Ann’s not married at all, so she won’t even acknowledge her on the street. So she’s just all over me about Sylvia. And Jane before that, and Darlene back in June. Mother just can’t accept my life.

On the commitment front, Ryan and Danny are still together. They’re so cute. I adore gay men. They’re the only ones not trying to feel up my skirts. The four of us went out together last week, and Sylvia and I persuaded Danny to get into a ball gown. He was so precious in it. Ryan adores him so, but he didn’t like escorting anyone who looked like a woman, so Sylvia went in with him in her suit – she looks divine in a suit – and I went in with Danny. He had me make sure that nobody from his family was there, but they wouldn’t have recognized him. Besides, we were down near Harlem, and anything’s all right in Harlem. The Blacks are so permissive. I love them so.

September 17, 1929

Poor Danny. He’s become a regular at the cross dresser balls now. Ryan completely broke his heart and it’s all my fault. I was the one who convinced him to dress that way. At least he keeps getting dates. A homosexual’s party is never over.

He’s staying with me while I’m between girlfriends and it keeps all of the men and my mother away from me. I haven’t told mother who he is so she can’t tell his parents, but she knows I’m living with a man. Fortunately, no one even thinks that it’s anything but sexual. As if I’d touch a man! They don’t even think about the fact that he’s gay too. I guess even the Village can be utterly Victorian at times. I mean, women can vote and everything. What makes them think we need men to do anything for us? But that’s the way it is.

Nobody even looks twice when I bring weekend lovers home now. It’s almost amazing the freedom I have with a man living with me. Being married to Danny probably wouldn’t be too bad. He’s just one of the “girls” after all, and cross dressers are a girl’s best friend. Still, the idea of being married to a man is disgusting. After all, if I were married, mother would expect me to give her her precious grandchildren. I wish she’d just leave me alone and be happy with what she has. My brother’s and sister’s children are perfect angels, although I think Annie’s going to grow up to be just like her Aunty Angel. Think of it! An angel like Angel! The irony is darling!

But since any marriage would involve questions about children I’m staying away from them. The single life is much more fun.

October 21, 1929

Well, it’s getting closer to the end of the year and the end of the decade. A lot of people in the Village are making resolution decisions now. Most of them are going to be freer with their lives. I think I might tell my mother the truth finally, and so what if she tells my father? It’s the twentieth century. Life is freer than it ever has been and no body will say that there’s anything wrong with being a lesbian.

It’s still hard, but Mandy – who I’ve been dating for two whole weeks – has gotten me to one of those Heterodoxy meetings and they treat lesbian couples so well there! None of them would think of saying that I should marry a man if it’s not what I want out of life. Some of them are even straight themselves! Imagine! If straight women can admit that lesbians are real, what’s next? My mother?

Danny is still staying with me. He hasn’t found anyone steady yet who has a place of his own. I guess it’s not too bad. We talk about our families a lot. I used to know his sister, but she got married and I never see her down at the permissive end of New York. I guess the only way we’re really different is that my father is still making bags and bags full of money in the stock market. Danny’s father is an extremist like Charlie who says that it can never last. Why shouldn’t it? The fun will go on forever!

November 27, 1929

It’s only been a month since the market crashed. I can’t believe how right Danny’s family was about it! We can already see what’s coming. There are so many who lost a fortune when the crash happened – my family among them. We’re living off money from Danny’s family now. But they want him to get married and carry on the family line for them and they won’t let him join his father’s business until he does.

My family, meanwhile, is trying to marry me off to someone rich so we can get our money back. Nothing more horrible could have happened to me. If there were jobs around I would cast them all off like Charlie did and stay here, but there are no jobs open anymore, and those that there are go to men. I can tell that this is how it’s going to be from now on.

Danny proposed earlier. His parents approve of my family and I know my parents would love me to marry him. All in all, there are worse people I could marry. If we’re required to have children in a time like this we can take one of the many street urchins I’m sure will appear if the job market stays this small for an extended period of time. I understand him, he understands me, we like each other. There are few marriages built on as stable ground as ours will be. And at least we’ll have money. If they still have the drag balls in Harlem we can go, and if they don’t we can invite bohemian friends – such as are still around – for our own. And if we have money we can afford a few servants. That will be nice. I pretty little chambermaid for me and a strapping young buck to be the Ganymede to his Jove. I’d laugh at the irony of the situation – I’m turning into my mother! – but I want to cry too much. It’s all too horrible to bear!

December 31, 1929

We were married two weeks ago. It was a whirl of preparations; everyone wanted it done before the memory of the money of half the guests was forgotten. And everyone wanted one last wear of their fanciest and their jewels before pawning them so they could get food. Danny’s family paid for all of it because my parents have no more.

We’re still in the Village. It’s been a good home so far and we know what the rent is like. I can’t see it changing much.

Mother is so happy that I’ve given up on my “experimentation.” I haven’t the heart to tell her we haven’t had sex. The wedding night we bounced on the mattress until everyone went away happy, then we collapsed laughing and fell asleep. One thing I have to give men, they do make good pillows.

I’ve found my little maid. She was displaced by the crash and looking for work. And Danny has found his attaché, a sweet boy who had just come out and had no place to go anyway.

I think we’ll make it. And maybe I can help others make it too. I’ll be watching Annie carefully as she grows up.